a glimpse into my journey...
If you landed here, you’re probably feeling the same way I was in 2017: disconnected, out of place and feeling unmotivated—even though deep down you know you have untapped potential. At that time I was completed disconnect from my truth; I was working at the wrong job, my relationships were toxic, and my lifestyle was completely out of balance—I was overindulging in certain areas and completely neglecting others. AKA working 2-3 jobs, while still trying to maintain my routine 2-4 AM bedtime.
It came a point where I realized that what I’d been doing wasn’t working, that how I’d been living wasn’t serving my potential and I really didn’t know or like who I was anymore. I finally felt desperate and ready to make a change. I knew I had to stop burying and dismissing all my problems and own up to my responsibilities-I was done running from the truth. I wanted to be on a new timeline-one that lead towards total self-empowerment.
what's in this post...
growing up - where it all started
My childhood was unconventional to say the least.
I grew up as the younger sister to a brother with special needs, which allowed me to develop excessive compassion and demonstrate leadership abilities from a young age. My brother who was diagnosed with several different developmental challenges including Down Syndrome – led me to witness the numerous health concerns and complications that came with his condition. Along with this, I was made aware of the separation that can sometimes be implied with disabilities in society and the insufficient lack of education surrounding how to treat those who have them.
My mom (immigrated from the Carribean) and my dad both worked modest jobs, so like many other families in this situation, we were just left troubleshooting any issues along the way. The biggest challenge my family faced (limited options) was in maintaining the ability to care-take for someone who required a high amount of individualized care, while trying to balance the demands of work and having an independent life.
The attention was always directed away from me, so naturally, in my early years it led me to become a dramatic overachiever who thrived off praise and recognition. Despite whatever financial situation my family was in, they always sacrificed what was necessary to ensure that I had as many opportunities to pursue my passions and participate in an active lifestyle. To this day I am still so grateful for their encouragement in this way because this versatility has made me who I am – adaptable, determined and full of resilience.
Around the time life should be easy, I experienced several traumatic events that (I didn’t realize, I was 6) would shape my perception of reality for years to come. In truth I was confused and unable to process the influence of any negative events – I thought the right thing to do (at the time) was to repress and conceal what had happened to me. The “busyness” of my life and the stability that came from spending time on my passions allowed me to distract myself for some time.
Growing up, my natural ability to surmount my challenges and excel at my work was recognized and I was labeled as a “gifted” learner.
This created its own divide for me as I received different assignments, curriculums and responsibilities than other children my age. Along with all this, I was undeniably struggling with major anxiety at a time and age when mental health was still being overlooked. However, the source of it was actually due to (early proof) experiencing immense empathy and high-sensitivity. I’m not talking about fear of unwelcomed feelings, or a sensitivity to name calling – I mean this manifested as sensory overwhelm in many common everyday environments. A simple thing like going to the movies would overwhelm me.
So, before I was even aware of what it was, I made the conscious decision to shut it down; my innate psychic abilities, intuition and adopt a more compliant way of living.
The self-rejection and continued social exclusion created an inordinate desire to just fit in, to be accepted at any cost. This created a pattern where I unfortunately fell victim to many bullies.
breaking down - my catalyst for change
Plagued by my own insecurity, I often became the first person to point out other people's problems, negligence and push on them what they needed to heal.
For so many years I was unaware of my innate wisdom and healing gifts, even though they were, continually trying to pop up and be seen. I just continued to reject this part of myself. So, my reality continued to provide me events that would mirror this decision, until I decided to finally listen. Cue lesson on self-love and self-acceptance.
Up until my quarter-life crisis spiritual awakening, I had always been trying to be someone else. I even committed to several years of acting classes so I could professionally continue playing pretend.
I was constantly ignoring any signs of healing and believed that the few times I had talked to a therapist was enough. In truth, I wasn’t aware that I was in a veil of PTSD and only coping with many of the challenges I had experienced early on. I did not want to open up, to potentially allow in, or experience any more pain in my life. After all, to heal it you have to feel it.
Ofcourse, not listening to your own inner guidance when situations that trigger it arise, will take you out of alignment very quickly. I lost my passion for doing anything, so I changed to do what everyone else was doing. This created a cycle of unhappiness and self-destruction. I was forced to quit many of the activities that had kept me going. I always used creating art (dancing/acting) as a form of self-expression, but instead of choosing to explore it further-I decided to fulfill the conventional route and stopped without any hesitation.
So there I was for a while, unhealed and unwilling to confront my past – overeating or starving myself to cope with my unaccepted emotions, on medication for depression, engaging in toxic relationships, and succumbing to addictions. Over the next five years everything I tried to build for myself to create a conventional foundation would collapse in front of me.
cue the metamorphosis
I can say I believe in divine timing when it comes to personal transformation. I believe that people can change, but first they must become conscious of why it's necessary.
It wasn’t until almost two decades after the events of my early-life that I finally started to see the consequences of my insensitivity and disconnection. I went from the “smart kid” riding the short bus, to an avoidant student failing out of my university program. The lengths I would go, to self-sabotage any good relationship or opportunity was quickly becoming impossible to ignore.
Alongside pursuing a career in the media, I had returned to acting and continued training at a new school. I had the opportunity to attend a workshop with the school’s director from LA who had a saying “change your acting, change your life”. And it literally did.
He had shared that in order to be authentic on camera, you have to discover how to be authentic in your daily life. That to become a better actor, you should focus on recognizing YOU. This triggered something in me. It was a massive realization that motivated me to dive deep into my own personal development and gave me the desire to start anew. I knew the person who I was THEN would never bring me to be the person who I wanted to BECOME. I started looking at my habits and realized I needed to drastically change my entire lifestyle.
At this point, I wasn’t into the woo-woo, or spiritual at all. It wasn’t until I was working as a bartender at a haunted restaurant that synchronicities began to happen ALL around me. I started to feel a calling to something-little did I know back then-it was the universe calling to initiate the start of an awakening.
I began to work with life coaches, healers and trainers. As soon as I started investing in myself it catapulted my self-awareness. Through this new lens (which only continues to expand), I began to see reality in a whole new light. Every job I worked, every connection I made I began to ask, “Why is this happening?” “What is this teaching me about myself?”. I realized the power of the subconcious mind.
I knew that for far too long I had been living in my shadow and suppressing my own personal growth. I realized that there was nobody coming to change me.
Once I started implementing all my new habits, I started to notice how I became someone SO different. Someone who felt more like me.
into the chrysalis
I knew that in order to live and experience a life full of authenticity-I would have to start, first, with shifting what was on the inside. I had to face all the reasons that the best parts of me, were being restricted or held back.
Change and transformations are never easy, I know this first hand. Yet, it’s in these precious moments of upheaval, we are given the opportunity to actually witness our own inner strength and resilience.
I always knew I wanted to be part of a heart-based business that provided me with the opportunity to share what I have learned through my own hardships. So now, I am grateful to have the opportunity to pass along the support and guidance my own teachers have provided me. My holistic health and lifestyle coaching is conducted in a way that is practical, approachable and also a little unconventional… I channel my intuitive gifts to quickly help my clients recognize the root cause for their concerns. Since I am certified in many different modalities, I love being able to utilize my diverse background to craft impactful, individualized treatment plans.
The Chrysalis Coach, allows me to support others on their journey to healthier, more conscious living. Through this influence and my effort to give back (I donate 10% of every sale), I hope to be able to one day create a global impact.
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Marissa
aka The Chrysalis Coach